Monthly Musings
It was my birthday 5 days ago and as I have written about it before, I have a peculiar relationship with birthdays. Of course, it was further made confusing and complicated because of this unending global pandemic (and horrible Delhi air). Despite all of this, I could not have asked for a better day (or a week, since my friends started sending gifts way earlier). The reason I am sharing all this with you is that as much as I love and cherish being loved and pampered and spoilt like this, I am also very uncomfortable when I receive it. I was discussing with a friend how such gestures of love and affection are so amazing but my internal narrative adds a layer of guilt, with dollops of shame to it. Sharing these gestures with the world just brings along more discomfort in the form of ‘what are you trying to show off here?’, when, well I am mostly trying to make sense of the conflicting things that are evoked in me in those moments (but social media, ha!).
Every time I am made to feel special and loved, I am awed, but I also instinctively feel the urge to hide somewhere. To be honest, even though I may have some idea of why this happens, it still feels extremely unpleasant. I find myself tangled in all of these messy feelings, when I desperately try to just hold on to feeling loved and appreciated.
Is this something you relate with? It would be great to hear from you and make sense of this together because it’s something I am still trying to wrap my head around.
Why would we instil (and internalise) shame and guilt for receiving/accepting love and affection? Why do we think we are undeserving of everything that brings us joy and warmth?
Tender Tale
The warmth, love and appreciation I talk about in the previous section is also what I would like to bring up here. Because like I said, that has been the single thing to warm my heart and make me feel fuzzy this past month. But because of the varied nature of special gestures I received, I would be unable to talk about all of them here. What I can talk about though and also share with you all is this email I received from a friend who lives in Germany.
I received this in my inbox three days before my birthday and before I knew it, my eyes were filled with tears. It was something so unexpected and special and heartwarming, I still get teary-eyed whenever I read it. So this month’s tender tale is this email and all the other ways in which my loved ones have made sure to remind me that they value my existence, that they are grateful for the fact that I survived even when I was convinced I won’t.
P.S: As I mentioned above, sharing this makes me uncomfortable, but I am taking this to be a step towards acceptance, something I hope we all can get to some day.
Tender Reads
‘Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things’ by Jenny Lawson
I read this book when I was going through a particularly difficult time a few years ago. Partly because I was in it at the moment and partly because of how alien/new it seemed, I started this book with a lot of curiosity (and a little bit of excitement because if nothing else, horrible things should at least make you laugh a little bit). And I ended up thoroughly enjoying it; her writing, her wit and her unwavering compassion in sharing her story with the world.
Hear me read a portion from this book below:
On-Screen Fuzzies
‘Inside Out’ on Disney+Hotstar
‘Inside Out’ is an animated movie that shows the world of Riley through her emotions (hence the name!). This movie was in a way my first introduction to a loud and clear declaration of ‘all emotions are important’.
When Riley’s world is coming crashing down, Joy does everything in her might to make it better, to bring back her life-sustaining islands so they could work as the anchors that they had always been for her. This depiction of the islands crumbling can be a great way to understand how sometimes, nothing at all makes sense.
But when Joy realises that by preserving all of Riley’s memories from Sadness she is just making it worse for her, she lets Sadness take over and eventually works alongside her. I think it is a great movie for children and adults alike because we miss out on the simplest things and make our and others’ lives difficult because of that. If we would just give some credit to our emotions and their wisdom (no, emotions and wisdom are not opposites), the world would be a much kinder place to be in.
Hugs in Words
Dear reader,
If you grew up feeling like you do not deserve love and affection in big and small ways, if you grew up convinced that you need to make yourself and your need to be loved small and insignificant, I hope this newsletter works as a gentle nudge to tell you that none of that is true. Even when it feels like the only truth you can cling on to, I want you to know that we all deserve the grand gestures, we all deserve being celebrated for who we are and for how far we have come. And it is my earnest wish that each of you has people to make you feel that way. I hope that you are surrounded by love and warmth in abundance, enough to hold you on days you are alone.
Love and light,
Adishi
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