Monthly Musings
There are a lot of things that I have always felt strongly about, almost to the point of feeling the need to fiercely defend them in the face of disagreement. I think it is important for all of us to have some things we believe in passionately.
For me, one of these beliefs is that there is nothing in this world that matters more than the love and affection we hold in our hearts for each other.
However, the trouble with this belief, in particular, is that it is tied with painful experiences, so whenever someone tries to disagree, it feels like they are invalidating my pain; which I have already experienced a fair share of.
This pandemic has made us all re-assess a lot of our beliefs. Among other things, a lot of people are starting to see the hollowness of ideas of ‘productivity’, ‘success’, ‘fulfilment’ and so on. A lot of people are starting to realise that there is much, much more to the world than a growing GDP, and if we do not pause to rethink the way we have been operating so far, it is just going to get worse from here.
Honestly, I don’t understand why we would need a global pandemic to confront these things. I do not know at what point in our lives we learn the strange tricks of the world, the world that says love and other things are useless and ‘impractical’, the only way to survive and ‘succeed’ in life is to keep your eyes fixed on your ‘goals’. I do not understand this, I never have and I could only be grateful that at least some of us are also beginning to see past it.
I do not know what are some of your beliefs that are being challenged right now, but I hope that this is the time you pause to look around yourself and ask yourself, what is it that really matters right now? What is it that has always mattered the most, but we were tricked into believing otherwise?
Is there anything that’s greater than us having each other’s back, not just when it is convenient for us, but as something we owe to each other? Was there ever?
Tender Tale
By now, some of you must have guessed that there is a special place in my life for people’s stories of resilience and strength. It is what keeps me hooked to memoirs. The way memoirs remind me how valid my own pain and story are, is something that is incomparable and priceless for me.
Now, to let you in on a secret, I dream of telling my story to the world through my own memoir. I say, dream because however much I want it, it does not feel like it would happen. You’re right, it’s because of my self-doubt and my own invalidation of my pain that convinces me of it. It feels hidden in an inaccessible/imaginary future.
However, a friend who I also work with is working on her memoir as part of her PhD thesis. She was discussing with me her doubts and unhappiness about how it reads now that it is complete. I offered to help navigate her way through it. But I thought she would not feel comfortable sharing it with me just now. To my sheer surprise, she shared it and thanked me for offering to help.
I think I am still in the process of wrapping my head around something like this. And I have so much difficulty in doing that because of how heartwarming it is for me to have been given the chance to witness her story from so close— from everything that happened, to the deepest things she felt in those moments.
And with it, once again, came the reminders that our stories are ours to tell, and all stories are special. And most importantly, all stories are valid, irrespective of how different our pain looks and feels to us.
Sharing below snippets from our conversation about her memoir and about my dream.
I hope we stop invalidating our pains and our stories. I hope we find enough trust in ourselves and others to share our stories with the world. I hope we give ourselves the chance to be witness to stories, be it ours or others’. And as my friend says, I hope we find the spark we need to start telling our own stories one day.
As one of my most favourite comedians, Hannah Gadsby says, “stories hold our cure…like it or not my story is your story and your story is my story.”
Tender Reads
‘Letters to a Young Poet’ by Rainer Maria Rilke
This little book has wisdom wrapped into it like poetry, not just for poets but for all of us. My copy of this book has more underlined parts than ones without them. It is a book I keep returning to and at a time like now, this book feels the whiff of hope that we could all cling on to.
Hear me read a portion from the book below.
On-Screen Fuzzies
‘Shoplifters’ on Netflix
‘Shoplifters’ is a Japanese movie, available with English subtitles on Netflix. There is so much that this movie does and says that I feel incapable of exactly putting into words how it made me feel.
The way it makes you rethink everything from petty thievery to class, to the idea of a family is something I have not seen before.
It is full of moments that I wanted to pause and replay many times. It has some dialogues that stumped me.
The moment pictured below is my most favourite one in the movie.
When Nobuyo and Hatsue take Yuri to try on new clothes in the trial room of an apparel store, she timidly asks Nobuyo if she is going to beat her afterwards. Nobuyo is puzzled but tells her no. When they go back home, Nobuyo burns all of Yuri’s old belongings, while the other members of the family sit behind them.
This scene, with only the flame from the burning clothes lighting up their faces, feels serene in its silence and its pace. They look at the burning clothes and Nobuyo holds Yuri tightly in her arms, and says to her, “If they say they hit you because they love you, that is a lie. If they loved you, if they really loved you, this is what you do.”
I watched this scene twice and I could not hold back my tears. It made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside and felt like I was being wrapped in an embrace as well.
Violence convinces you of strange and terrible things, especially about yourself. And when it comes from someone who is supposed to love you, it also shapes how you start thinking about love. What makes it graver is when the person at the receiving end of that violence is a child.
As Mary Oliver says, “Adults can change their circumstances; children cannot. Children are powerless, and in difficult situations they are the victims of every sorrow and mischance and rage around them, for children feel all of these things but without any of the ability that adults have to change them.”
Hugs in Words
Dear reader,
It is truly a scary time. It is not something we have ever experienced before and it is not something we completely understand yet because the research is still ongoing. And we are not used to uncertainty of this kind on such a large scale.
Through this newsletter, I am sending love to everyone who is stuck in situations that make them feel unsafe and unloved, to people who risk their lives so that we have some way to contain this, to people who are feeling touch-starved, to people experiencing past hurt and traumas alone, to people who are being wronged and marginalised even amidst a pandemic, and to people who are away from the people they love and care for. And all of us who are being hit in the gut by existential pangs.
The pandemic is much bigger than any of us, only adding to our feelings of helplessness and confusion. Yes, there is very little that is in our circle of influence. But it is not completely inaccessible either. There is still a lot that we can influence; starting with accepting and appreciating the different ways people are coping right now. One thing we should definitely avoid in a global crisis is shaming people for coping the way they are doing.
So if you have been feeling particularly helplessness in the face of the vastness of this pandemic, this is my request to you to reflect on what is still in your circle of influence and how you can be your kindest and most compassionate self with everything that you can touch right now.
Love and light,
Adishi