Monthly Musings
Because of how much we are all talking about the current situation of the pandemic, it feels repetitive to say that this is a very, very hard time. But even then, every time you say it, it does not feel enough; not enough to incorporate the vastness of feelings and thoughts that are washing over us as each day passes.
For me, one of those thoughts has been understanding the nature of (past) hurt and pain. It is something that I think about a lot but during this lockdown, this has been overwhelming me a lot more than I am able to manage.
We are always (almost naturally) tempted to put a lid on things that happened to us in the past, especially things that made us feel unsafe and unloved. But to our dismay, our past hurt often keeps rearing its ugly head every now and then. And because of our desperate need to put an end date to that pain (or at least have a sense of it ending), we are left feeling ill-equipped to deal with it when it resurfaces—it makes you question yourself (why/how can it still hurt and affect me so much?) and it makes you feel like a prisoner to it (if this is not going away even after all this time, maybe it never will!).
Both those prospects are frightening, unsettling and anxiety-inducing. But both of them are attempts at making the hurt go away and refusing to settle into the realisation that it may not. Not completely, anyway. And that is okay.
However, another interesting (and painful!) layer to it is that on days it feels to not have so much hold over you, it starts to become an exercise in questioning and invalidating your experiences and hurt (if it doesn’t hurt me anymore, was it even real/valid? did I just overreact?).
This way, we are entrapping ourselves in a double bind, without even realising it. And it is because we do not know what to do with pain and hurt. We do not want to feel it, either at all or as much as it needs to be felt. We also do not want to make space for it in our everyday lives. And sometimes, we also do not want to completely let go of it, because it forms a huge part of our lives.
I don’t know if ‘enigma’ is the right word here. But to me, it does feel like one.
How do you make space for your hurt, while also making space for healing and growth? How do you have a life where your hurtful experiences can coexist with everything hopeful, without having to choose between them? How do you tell yourself that yes, you were wronged, but there are also many, many ways in which you are loved, which does not make the wrong go away, but that there is enough space to hold them both? How do you just settle into this complexity?
Tender Tales
Our lives had anyway been moving closer to and full of screens, but thanks to the pandemic it has grown exponentially and it is only likely to increase. I have conflicting thoughts about this as someone who prefers writing/typing as a medium of expression as compared to talking, but I know for sure that SO much screen exposure is making it a lot more difficult to cope. For me, the most troubling part is how so much of our intimacy has also become digitised.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be asked ‘how are you doing? what is wrong?’ in person, with someone looking right at me.
Yesterday, my mother came to my room and asked me this and I instantly turned into a puddle of tears. I have been missing that sense of intimacy.
I sincerely hope that our spaces of comfort, intimacy and compassion are returned to us, irrespective of the turn of events that awaits us.
Tender Reads
‘Tiny Beautiful Things’ by Cheryl Strayed
I first saw this book when a dear friend shared a snippet from it on Instagram. It seemed to click instantly and when I read it, I could tell why I felt that way. You may not find yourself agreeing with everything she says, but her words will make you think and bring you comfort, nonetheless.
Hear me read a portion of the letter that Sugar writes to someone who lost his son about four years ago in a car accident.
PS: It is also an extremely special book for me because a friend said I reminded her of Sugar while she was reading it. I had not yet started Letters of Kindness then, but when I did and found myself writing back to people as Sugar did, it just seemed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, hehe!
On-Screen Fuzzies
‘Elementary’ S7, E13 on Prime Video
‘Elementary’ is a long show, and yet, when it ended, I found myself scouring the internet for the news of more seasons. Because of the time I spent with this show (it took quite some months to finish watching it!), it became difficult for me to pick one particular moment to talk about, so I picked one from the last episode of the last season.
The last few minutes of the show ended with Sherlock finding out that Watson was diagnosed with cancer and she was hiding that from him so he does not feel compelled to stay back in New York. But he eventually does find out and that moment of confrontation is gut-wrenching.
Suffice it to say, that it is the show in its entirety that I loved watching. Initially, it was a little difficult for me to know exactly what kept me hooked to it, but then I realised towards the end, that it is one of the most real depictions of friendship without a necessary romantic angle that was intriguing for me.
The journeys that both the characters make individually as well as relationally are so beautiful and evocative.
Hugs in Words
Dear reader,
I have typed and erased this short note many times now. Nothing feels enough to accommodate the despair I wish to express and the compassion I wish to extend for what we are going through right now.
Maybe, sometimes, this is a sign that we are being called to just settle into the discomfort and give up the need to constantly make sense of things by simplifying them. Maybe, our best bet at getting through this time is just being.
Maybe, the energy and the efforts that we are investing in understanding and achieving some sense of control over the situation instead need to be invested in accepting that we are powerless in the face of some situations; that even if we don’t manage to take stock of it right now, we can still sail through this.
Love and light,
Adishi
I would like to announce a project I am working on with a friend! We are compiling two mental health anthologies, one for poetry and prose each. If you would like to contribute to either (or both of them), please find the details on the links given and write to us. <3