Monthly Musings
I have had a twisted relationship with social media for quite some time now. I have more days of feeling like I want to be off it completely than days when I feel I may be able to work with it somehow. As much as it has given me, it also takes a lot more.
This is one of the reasons I often think about our behaviour online; the thoughts that are going on in our minds as we scroll through hundreds of pieces of information without having the time to actually be with any of it, without actually stopping to think what they’re evoking in us. So there is a general sense of unpreparedness, coupled with an illusion that we can cope with it without letting it affect us in a way we dislike. It gives a sense that we can cope with that unpreparedness by trying to regain some control through our knee-jerk reactions to things we come across. I say knee-jerk, precisely because social media gives us so much at once (what is happening, where it is happening, how our friends and peers are reacting to it, what is the most appropriate reaction to this) that the gap between receiving information and responding to it becomes minuscule. Social media makes it nearly impossible for us to slow down. And most often than not, our insecurities and anxieties almost always lie at the core of our first reactions to things around us.
As if this wasn’t bad enough, what we do and say on social media also comes with a certain level of impunity and an illusion that it is all harmless. We see people’s profile names, bios and their posts and think that we know their life. We assume that we know someone’s life enough to comment (and judge?!) on everything they do while conveniently keeping aside our own shortcomings as a person in the world.
None of this is to say that we should not hold people accountable for the things they post on their social media. It is, in fact, a more pressing request to hold ourselves accountable for our behaviour. Most people I have come across (who have also been unkind to me, both offline and online) dislike how things happen on social media. So it can be rightly assumed that none of us likes the hatred and the insensitivity that gets spewed in our lives through the internet. However, as people who access these spaces, we are all responsible to make sure that we speak less, hear more and most importantly, reflect on what we hear. We need to hold ourselves accountable for our behaviour in these spaces to make sure that they are spaces we all want them to be, spaces that welcome all of us, especially those who are otherwise silenced in many ways.
The next time you see something on social media that makes you feel uncomfortable/unsettled, instead of feeling moved to instantly respond to it, please pause and take a deep breath. Think about what it is evoking in you. How is it making you feel? Is it making you feel shamed/dismissed/invalidated in some way? Is stepping away for a bit something you can do at that moment? What would bring you comfort right now?
If things continue to be this way (or become worse), what would that tell us about our ability to resolve conflicts and open doors for reconciliation and repair when harm happens? Most importantly, what are we modelling for young people who are just starting out to use social media? What would it mean to maybe not shame young people for social media use early on in their lives, but instead, make it a better space for them to thrive in?
Tender Tales
I have previously written briefly about how the changing dynamics of co-existing with each other in this world have been tremendously jarring for me (and many others). The ‘distance’ that now comes to us almost by default just makes the world a lot more alienating than it already is. We want to avoid getting into the elevator with people, we want to avoid any and all places where we may run into other people. All of this may be necessary for now, but none of it is something we ought to get used to. I refuse to get used to it.
Last week, while returning from the grocery store, I got into an elevator with a man who also lives in my building. We were both wearing masks, of course, but it was a pleasant surprise to share a space with a stranger where nobody flinched at the sight of another person. Or, just avoided using the elevator altogether.
As I was slowly starting to absorb the fact that I was co-existing in such a space with a stranger in months, he gently asked me which floor I was headed to. At this moment, my smile had probably leaked out of my mask. It was so touching to have my presence accepted, acknowledged and respected by a stranger after such a long time.
It felt so hopeful that even without flinching or attempting to jump a kilometre away at the sight of another person, it is possible to care for oneself (and each other). Even in the ‘distancing’, it is possible to find intimacy and smile at strangers through our masks. And we must.
Tender Reads
‘The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love’ by bell hooks
This book came to me at a time when I was struggling with something so personally distressing that I had no clue who to turn to. I felt immensely ashamed of my experience because at the core of it, was a conflict that seemed too wrong to have. No wonder, the roots of most of this shame and judgement were things that usually happen and get said on social media.
This book, however, felt like a gentle nod and a hug, with the affirmation that I am not alone. It taught me about repair, reparation and togetherness, even in the face of harm.
As much as I may disagree with it in some ways, I believe that this book needs to be read by all of us, irrespective of where we are in our lives or who we are. I sincerely hope for a world this book makes it possible for me to dream of. I hope we introduce this book in all of our lives, especially in the lives of young people around us.
Hear me read a portion from this book below:
General reading tip: Try to get your hands on everything that bell hooks writes. :)
On-Screen Fuzzies
‘A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood’ on Amazon Prime
This is a movie I know I will keep coming back to. It is a movie I wish I had while growing up. It is a movie that I hope someday, all children and adults watch, hopefully together.
I have been increasingly interested in the messy ways in which our emotions affect our lives and the constant navigation they require so we can work with them. This is a movie about emotions and so much more; so much that a lot of us struggle to make sense of throughout our whole lives.
When, on set, Mister Rogers fails to set up a tent on camera and his team suggests that they should discard the recordings that show him struggling with it constantly, he says that in turn, they should run it on air as it is. When asked why he did that, he says this,
Even as a viewer, it was tiresome and frustrating to watch him constantly try and hold up the tent, but the moment he says this, it feels as if your heart slightly melts.
The entire movie is heartbreakingly beautiful and filled with moments that make you want to pause and reflect. Even the songs in this movie are so thoughtful, it is a delight and a must-watch for sure!!
Hugs in Words
Dear reader,
I see you as you try to get through this, one day at a time. I see you as you try to cope with the loss of a life that was. I see you as you struggle with the loss of everything that helped you cope. I see you also in moments you just want to sit and whine hopelessly in a corner. I see you as you continue to exist, day after day, despite it all.
I see the over-exhaustion, the sleeplessness, the bingeing and the living. I see the quiet moments, the anxious ones, the angry ones and the grieving ones. I see the Sisyphean task that living has become.
And I am holding you earnestly through it all.
Love and light,
Adishi
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